WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a guy who loves his sports. I've probably spent more than $200 on Coyotes and Suns tickets this winter. I could probably name more hockey players in Phoenix than 99% percent of the country has ever heard of, anywhere. While you're not sure who the Suns' coach is, I could tell you who the Suns ASSISTANT coaches are.

But every year at the end of March, I'm reminded of what my real passion is: baseball. Today is Opening Day, which means my boys the Diamondbacks are playing their first of 162 action-packed (at least if you love the game like I do) games. Really, I'm so excited I can barely work. Here I am writing about baseball instead of making up Yuri's employee feedback database. The only thing that kills my good mood is it's stinking raining in Cincinatti, so I'll probably have to go to class before the game starts. But then again... what's my priority, really?

UPDATE: Turns out I do have my priorities straight. I ditched my second class to come home and watch the last four innings of the game. I was a little skeptical, but when I saw Jeff Salazar crush one into the right field bullpen, I knew I'd made the right decision!

I have a problem.

Man... so I was at Goodwill yesterday looking for some shirts. You see, a couple of months ago I accidentally insituted Hawaiian shirt Fridays at work, and I decided that my supply of such vestments was insufficient. By far, the best supplier of Hawaiian shirts is Goodwill, so naturally, that was my first stop.

Of course, you can't just go to Goodwill for one thing, you have to browse. Who knows what you'll find there, and for dirt cheap, too! Well, I found one thing I never thought I would see there: a kneeboard. For $15. No joke. The thing is a piece of trash, but... FIFTEEN DOLLARS! I had to get it. It might be the stupidest impulse buy of my life. It was a tough call, though; would I regret not buying it more than I regret buying it? Really, overall, I'm pretty comfortable with my decision.

Breaking News: The Double-decker Taco is Amazing.

I got a couple double-decker tacos from Taco Bell for lunch today, and I realized that they are pure genius. You know what the worst part is about trying to eat a hard taco? The thing falls apart on your first or second bite, and your lunch degrades into a magic show where you try to keep everything from falling onto your plate or onto your lap. But you can't get a soft taco, because soft tacos are lame and you might as well pay more money and get a decent burrito. Solution? Wrap up the hard taco in something that will maintain its form as the crispy shell rips in half. Hence, you get the crunchy goodness of a hard taco with the structural integrity of the soft taco. Brilliant.

FINE. DANG.

I received enough complaints about my "Where I need to be" junk that I feel the need to expound on it a bit more.

I know that I said, "is it possible that God would keep me from getting married," but I was more throwing it out there than saying that I believe it. I don't really believe that God would sabotage me to keep me somewhere. Maybe what I wrote put too much emphasis on that and not enough emphasis on the fact that we're all given specific talents and we're placed in situations where we can use them to benefit others. I guess I really wanted to focus on doing everything I can to serve people wherever I am instead of focusing on getting out of wherever I am.

But at the same time, I'm not conceding that where I am is completely in my power. I still think it's possible--not definite, but possible--that part of the reason I'm still where I am is because God knows I'm simply not ready to move on.

I will admit that I'm not exactly doing anything to try to move on, which is more a factor than anything else, I'm sure. I saw a movie the other night that made me realize one of the reasons I hate dating. "Dan in Real Life" is that movie where that guy from The Office tries to be serious, and let me say that by the end of the movie I'd totally forgotten that he's on The Office. He was good. Anyway, the premise of the movie is he meets this girl, and essentially he starts acting like a moron because of it. It served to remind me that I'm exactly like that. I love how smart and rational and selfless I am when I'm not chasing after a girl, but the second I fall for someone, I get so stupid and selfish and retarded that everyone around me suffers. So that's yet another reason why I don't date: I'm not mature enough to handle everything that comes with it. And I'm not going anywhere until I get past that.

My Spring Break

This photo I took of myself flying down the mountain should tell you everything you need to know about my week off.

Music video to follow.

Where I Need to Be

I read an Ensign article several weeks ago that chastised me probably more than it was intended to do. It was about something that was, is, and will always* continue to be something I hate more than anything else: dating. One part of it has especially been pressing on my mind lately.

"Sometimes we must ... accept that the Lord presently needs our talents applied in other areas. Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, 'Patience … helps us to realize that while we may be ready to move on, having had enough of a particular learning experience, our continuing presence is often a needed part of the learning environment of others.'"

I've had several experiences in the past week or so that have really driven that point home for me. Let's say that I married the first girl I really liked when I got home. Heck, let's say I got married two weeks ago. Who does those things? Who helps that guy move that huge stack of tables? Who has that talk with that guy in the quorum who was really struggling? Who says that thing in testimony meeting that that one girl really needed to hear? I mean, there are other people that COULD have... but they didn't. I did.

I would love nothing more than to use that as an excuse not to date, but frankly, I have MUCH better excuses not to date. Har har, no, but seriously, is it possible that God would keep me from getting married, in spite of my best efforts to thwart him, because he needs me in this ward, in this house, in this calling? Scratch that--I have given anything but my best effort. But still... hopefully some day I'll be a bit more humble and realize that as long as I'm doing my best to do what he wants me to do, he's going to put me where I'll do the most good, regardless of whether or not that's where I want to be.

*Someone out there is going to think that once I'm married, I won't think dating is so bad. That person is dead wrong. It doesn't matter when, where, how, or even IF I get married; I will always look upon dating as the most evil and vile form of punishment that has ever been thrust upon mankind.

My Billion Dollar Idea

At lunch today I couldn't help but notice that the bag of chips I grabbed was only 1/3 full. What kind of joke is that? I mean, sure, I didn't pay for it, but someone did. In fact, that someone bought dozens of bags. And they only got thirds of dozens of chips.

Thus I conceived my genius idea: start a chip company that puts a lot more chips in the bag, so it's at least 2/3 or 3/4 full. Honestly, how much do you think it would cost to put a handul more of chips in one of those bags? It can't be much more than a few cents per bag. So let's say I charge 10 cents more per bag. That more than makes up for the extra cost to produce it. But I'll make even more than that, because when someone goes to the chip aisle and sees my bag that says "I have twice the chips as that bag over there, for only a dime more!" they're going to buy my bag. In fact, I'll sell so much better than the half-full brands that I could get away with charging the same price. Probably. I haven't crunched the numbers yet.

Scott was sitting next to me as I both verbally and cognitively formed my plan, and, like the pessimistic financial sort that he is, he believes it wouldn't work. He had this crazy idea that by doubling the amount of chips in the bag, I would be doubling my costs and therefore would be forced double my prices. I think he's nuts. Could it really cost that much more for another, what, quarter of a potato per bag? McDonalds sells small fries and large fries, also a potato product. Do you really think it costs them twice as much to give you a large fries as a small fries, only charging 40 cents more?

His other problem was that by filling the bags more, the chips would be more crushed during shipping. He claims that's why chip companies only fill their bags 1/3 to 1/2 full. I think that would be easily solvable when that problem comes up.

I think I'm sitting on a gold mine here. Lucky for me no one's ever going to read this, or my billion dollar idea would probably be stolen.

The Coyotes are Pure Evil.

It was brought to my attention once again today that sports is one area where I am very, very weak. Unfortunately for me, someone in the Phoenix Coyotes organization is aware of this and keeps finding creative ways to exlpoit my weakness to make me spend my money on hockey tickets. At first they simply used a telephone, like civilized people do, to make offers to me every once in a while. I usually managed to resist, and I haven't gotten one those calls in months.

Then they developed a new strategem. I went to buy a mountain dew at work today, as I am wont to do, and as it plummetted to the output of the vending machine I saw "Coyotes, $10 off!" Staring me in the face.



"That's not good."

The dang can is a coupon for $10 of a lower level seat and $5 off an upper level seat. Naturally, I lost all control and immediately went back to my computer to check this week's schedule, and I'm going on Saturday. But I don't want to go alone, so... I need another can.

And that's the thing that really scares me. What if the next can doesn't have a coupon? Will I keep shoving quarters into that blasted machine until I get another one? I think I just might, whether I try to stop myself or not. I'm sick.

So the Coyotes, like the unscrupulous predators all coyotes are, are preying on the sick and the weak. They know I have money. And they want it.